Three Things

1. I used to have this theory. You see, when I was younger, I was nice, caring, considerate and tender-hearted even. I cooed over stuffed animals, I cried when someone else was hurt, I was a sweet young whelp. And then somewhere along the lines, possibly middle school, I toughened up. I got mean and mean fast.

I tend to think that it's because I'm gay and felt the need to thicken my skin, not let anyone take me for an easy mark. So my tongue became a weapon, and anyone close to me my unfortunate target. I was a bitch, still am.

But I can't seem to reconcile myself to that fact. I hate that I'm mean. Really, I do, and I've been trying to be nicer. It may not seem like it at all, but I censor myself. There are horrible things in my head that will never see light of day because of common decency. I keep hoping that one day the thoughts will be gone and I can take the filter out of my mouth, but so far no such luck.

Now, in an effort to get packed and have my room generally presentable while I'm away, I've begun the disgusting and often shameful process of cleaning (up and out) my room. About half way through a box of old papers, I came across an essay I had written in sixth grade. We were working on comparing and contrasting two like subjects. My subjects were my sister and my neighbor.

The way I feel about Mik is well documented; I love her, think the world of her, wish her nothing but the best. This is the same sentiment I hold for Jillian, the neighbor. But reading back through this essay, some things about my presumed past were clarified, so to speak. The topic of my first body paragraph is how stupid the two of them can be. The second, how mean they are.

So maybe I wasn't so nice when I was younger. Maybe I wasn't this paragon of goodliness. Maybe I've always been a bitch. Maybe I'm gonna use this to justify future bitch-assness: "I can't help it, I was born this way."

It's nice to know, that with all this change going on around me, some things will always remain the same.

2. Because I'm both a bitch and vain, look at this picture Mikaela took of me!

I like it a) because of the composure - that orange against the blue ombre b) the jacket is Alexander McQueen and the shirt is a cheapie AmApp and they go so well together (not a fashion blog, I swear) c) my hair looks like Moz's.

3. Because I'm a bitch and vain but also have good taste, watch this video of Peej's new work: